You know, I have done a "Top Ten" list for both the first and second trimesters. I think that it is only fair that I give the third trimester the same attention. Unfortunately, this is not going to be as bright and sun-shiney as the "Oh, look how much I love the second trimester" post.
Oh no, my friends.... The third trimester is a whole new ballgame. If I had nuggets, this trimester is kicking me hard in those nuggets.... That's right, the third trimester is kicking me square in the phantom girl nuggets....
I digress.... Let us begin.
Here are the TOP TEN "KRISTI'S 3RD TRIMESTER FUN FACTS" FOR YOU:
1. I miss my ankles. They were so cute...and petite....and you could see BONE in them. I've never had attractive feet, but they were cuter when they didn't look like five vienna sausages attached to an overfilled water bottle.
2. I miss pooping. I sure felt better when I could poop.
3. I'm starting to forget what it feels like to do things like cough, brush my teeth, or laugh without peeing my pants.
4. When I'm pregnant, my pee smells like Cheerios. Don't ask me.....
5. While we are on the topic of urine, let me discuss the wonderful urine sample that is given at the beginning of each and every prenatal appointment. As any woman who has ever has a child knows, you are required to go pee in a cup before your appointment begins. Okay...this is not a big deal during the first and second trimesters. But, my friends, let us imagine the urine procurement process of the final weeks of pregnancy. I can't see my own feet....let alone anything that rests just beneath my ridiculously large belly. Let me get this straight...you would like for me to take this comically small Dixie cup into this bathroom and somehow find the ability to blindly catch said urine into this cup. Uh......no. I have an idea. How about instead I come in weekly, urinate on my own hand, catch a couple of rogue drops into your stupid little paper shot glass, and hope that it is enough. That, nurse, I can do for you.
6. Here's a "Kristi Fun Fact" for you. I have a tilted cervix. This means, that in order for the doctor to check to see if I am dilated every week, he has to dig his hand in and curl it all the way back towards my spine to check me. Okay....that hurts. Now imagine that I am carrying this boy WAAAAAAAY up high compared to my daughter. Sooooooooo....the doc has to shove his arm in all of the way up to his elbow and THEN dig back. Okay.....that hurts even more. What cracks me up the most is when they say, "Okay, now you are going to feel a little bit of pressure here." You think? I already have a full sized baby in there smashing my organs up into my throat, and now you have all but crawled up in there to join him. Uh huh.....I feel the "pressure" that you are talking about, doc. It's called that big ol' tree trunk of a man arm you have there digging around in my already overpopulated womb. "Pressure".....puh-leeze....... Sometimes, I seriously wish that I could just break wind right there to force him to back on out of there and withdraw the arm of death....
7. I pop Zantac and Tums like they are Tic Tacs. For all of you out there who deal with heartburn all the time, I tip my hat to you. I don't know how you handle it. I have already slept one too many times sitting straight up against the headboard of our bed. It burns so bad that I have actually had dreams that I needed to get up and drink some water immediately because my fetus has somehow just caught on fire and I need to put him out. That is so not normal.
8. Okay...I have to be serious for a moment. I will honestly miss feeling the baby move and kick inside of me. It's kindof sad since this is probably our last. I'm sad to think that this could be the last time that I ever get to have that miraculous feeling that is solely between me and my unborn child. I LOVE it so much, and I'm not ready for that to end. Okay.....MAYBE when I have to dig a foot out of my ribcage or when he kicks my bladder and I piss myself for the fourth time that day....but other than that.....
9. He is head down now, so it's kindof funny that when he has hiccups, it feels like my butt has the hiccups. Imagine that sensation, will you? Feeling like your butt has the hiccups....
10. I'm still trying to figure out where this "nesting phase" is that everyone keeps talking about. According to most everyone, right before you deliver, you enter this "nesting phase" that makes you want to clean every square inch of your house, cook fifty bagillion meals, and scrub your tile grout with a toothbrush. Oh please. If I so much as walk to another room with an armful of laundry, I feel like I just ran the Boston marathon in cement shoes while holding my breath. No matter how much my mind WANTS to get all of these things done, my body angrily retorts, "Are you kidding me? You have attached the equivalent of a 40 pound exercise ball to your small frame, you're giving me hardly any sleep at night, the outside of this body aches like mad whenever you even try to stand up, the inside of this body feels like you set a torch to it, your kid is using my ribcage as a jungle gym and my bladder as a trampoline, and now I have anal hiccups. Step away from the vacuum, ma'am."
